Here's the post concerning the previous situation in the previous post.  i apparently never finished it a year ago...

 

spring break '06.  you'd have thought that my junior year spring break would be exciting...low stress compared to senior year when i'll be thinking about how im losing my friends by graduating, and the stress of graduating and finding a "job" for the rest of my life.  I entered into spring break with ambitions of making memories with my friends that i'd never forget, right? 

 

wrong.

 

the first few days were okay.  i went to dinner with some girl friends from high school and we went to a male revue.  just for fun, 2 of us were under 21 so we couldn't drink...but we thought it would be a nice girls night out.  and it was.  we had a good time. so, the next day i went shopping, and i splurged on a pair of earrings.  they're sterling silver with a beautiful celtic knot shape at the bottom where they come to a point.  breathtaking.  i put them in my ears right away, proud of my purchase.  by the time i made it home, one of them was missing.  apparently it fell out somewhere in the abyss of erie's consumer market. 

the next day i was hanging out with my best friend liz in her apartment.  some people stopped over and we all chilled for awhile.  everything was going okay despite the fact that i was still pissed about losing that earring...

liz's boyfriend had been hanging with us also, he does live there and all, and he came to me at one point and irritatedly asked me to come with him.  i followed him to the door and asked him where we were going and he started frantically searching for some car keys.  "We're going for a ride," he said briskly with an undertone of urgency and anger.  I couldn't really understand why he would be angry, so, i asked him what was wrong.  he became furious at that point and began to scream at me about how i'm a lesbian and i'm trying to steal his girlfriend from him. 

he gave me lame excuses and no evidence to support such claims, but he was pissed off and he sure as hell wanted me to know it.  what the hell was i supposed to tell him?  of course the accusations are false.  clearly, i was half in love with him, or the idea of him.  i want a boyfriend more than anything, and im jealous of liz for having one.  so fuck that, fuck him, fuck the situation. 

i competely broke down, tried to convince him of my innocence and prove that i had done nothing wrong.  but it didn't seem to matter.  the delusions had been happening for awhile, and they weren't going to stop anytime soon. 

this situation would make me lose one of my best friends, and though he would call me almost a year after it all happened and apologize, the thoughts of it bring chills to my blood.  i want a deep emotional connection with a boy, i just haven't found any, apparently other than mr. accusations, and mr. sexual assaultist, who realize how wonderful i am....

it's been a long time.  a long long time, almost a year.  so much has happened.  my world turned upside down.  in march 2006 i was accused of being lesbian by my best friend's boyfriend.  a guy who i considered my second closest friend...we spent so much time together.  and yeah, i was the third wheel lingering onto my friend's relationship, but what could i do?  i loved spending time with them, i didn't need to spend time with anyone else.  until i realized that he was seriously delusional, and needed some kind of mental treatment because he was getting sick. 

It tore me apart. from march until october, i felt like i was losing both of my best friends because i was certain that she was going to let him alienate our friendship and tear it apart.  except, the situation worsened and it ended up tearing their relationship apart.  i still lost a best friend, though i was able to save the first friendship. 

well, he called me today to apologize for "what he did to me"  and i honestly do accept his apology.  but now i hurt even more because there's no way, that i can see, we could try to rekindle a friendship.  as he put it, we were friends through a friendship that no longer exists.  and the chances are, things would never be the same.  part of the reason things got worse is because he had apologized previously, and i accepted, but i was never able to figure out what to say to him.  i ended up not talking much at all because i didn't know what he wanted me to say.  i had to censor everything to make sure it came out the way i meant it so that he wouldn't be able to find a hidden message.  that kind of shit takes a toll on your soul. 

the heart-wrenching agony that comes along with not being able to feel you can relate to your best friend.  that you can't be yourself.  i just honestly didn't, and still don't, know what to say to him.  i forgive him for everything he said, i realize he needed help and he didn't realize how horrible and overbearing he was.  

a piece of me can't let go, and a piece of me never will.  he says he wants me to be happy and to find happiness because i deserve it, because im unique and wonderful.  i know this, but it doesn't help me at all.  he wants me to find the connection he felt we had before this whole thing started.  he wants me to find my will.  ive been looking for that my entire life, i'll still be looking for it tomorrow, and the next day, and when i find it, ill probably fuck it up just like he did.  that's life...and for now, i can't live my life having to remember that once upon a time a boy thought i was wonderful so he accused me of lying to him and he broke my heart, then felt bad that i felt bad. 

because i shouldn't have had to feel bad in the first place. 

in the almost 5 months since my rape ive experienced many different steps in my recovery.  the most recent of which im naming "revenge".  I want to shout among every street in the world that he's a rapist.  though, now it's too late to prosecute him, i still want to stop every person from ever talking to him again.  I dont want to give him the chance to rape another person.  he created an account on myspace, and all of these girls keep messaging on his profile, and it takes every fiber of my being to not tell them what he did to me.  I DONT WANT ANYONE TO BE HIS FRIEND. 

A guy from my college called me in December, right before christmas break and asked me to do something with him.  I was too utterly freaked out still, having had my incident 3 months prior, so I told him about it, sparing as little detail as i could.  He took it well, said he was sorry to hear that had happened, that I he understood, and that I should call him when/if I was ready to start seeing people again.  which is cool and all. except, now im completely afraid that if I were to call him it would be purely because i cant handle the fact anymore that my assaultist was the last person ive kissed.  it burns into my mind every day, almost as if he has some sort of power over me because no one else has kissed me since.  like i've been branded by his poison and the scars are carelessly running away with my eternity.  i almost want to go randomly hook up with some guy somewhere just to have some sort of memory that doesnt immediately involve the hiss of michael's whispers.  so i dont call david back...i simply watch him pass every day because i fear that if i were to tell him this, he would either run away, or kiss me. and im afraid that if he were to kiss me, id weep...

what do you say to your rapist when they call your phone expecting you to not be mad at them anymore?  and they only gave you 3 months to get over it...and all you want to do is rip their genitals off and shove them up their ass along with a broomstick and my uterus.

he's haunting me...my god, he's terrorizing my life. and the sickest part is im letting him.  i didn't tell him i never wanted to hear his voice again for the rest of my life...i just mumbled a few cynical words and hung up.  im a complete idiot.  .i feel like im never going to heal. like im going to be stuck, broken forever.  

why do i constantly have the overwhelming urge to scream to the public that im a victim of sexual assault?  every fiber of my being wants to shout it to the rooftops, let everyone at my college, my family, everyone know...i feel like this secret is tearing my body to pieces.  like the vast anguish that it encaptures is too enormous to be contained in my mind.  

my anger wants to flow out of my body and into a form that will kill him, and at the same time destroy everyone else on the way.  

 

 

i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him, i hate him. 

yeah, so im on break for another week.  ive been couch hopping  the entire time except for the 5 days i spent at school.  right now im at my grandmothers.  i decided to look through the attic today and i found all of my toys.  it was the most amazing thing.. i guess i had assumed that she had thrown them away.  but instead she just packed them up and stored them in the attic.  so many memories. so many awesome things and treasures were found today.  its been a day of complete nostalgia. 

then i went to work. and that was okay too i guess.  i didnt sell many shoes...but im not a good salesperson.  when a customer turns me down for a sale i want to walk away, im not near as aggressive as a real salesperson should be.  but they keep me on for stock, because im the best they have...i guess...  im at least the hardest working, i think..sometimes.  when it comes to getting things done, i do them, and i dont rarely take breaks.  i deserve a raise.

well i would write more, but im tired as hell...blah

tonigth was bad karma night.  everyone seemed to ahve a bad night.  my bulletin board got ruined, people's ex-boyfriend's showed up...i dont know.  im not pissed at my residents...even though it was their friends that ruined my board. im mad at the friends..but im proud that kim and bobby stood up for me.. i dont ever ]watn  to make my residents feel unwelcomed, and i dont like being mad at them, but its hard when i feel unnoticed.  its hard when i work so hard and i feel like no one cares.  thanksgiving break is soon, and i cant wait for it.  tra la la....yay for thanksgiving....and being drunk. 

so i spent all afternoon working on a new bulletin board for my hall. and i go to do laundry at about midnight tonight and i realize that someone has written in marker all over it. which quite frankly pisses me off!!!!!   you mother fuckers, have some appreciation and respect for my hard work.  i dont spend time on things to have them ruined.  this is precisely why i'll never have children, because they destoy everything!!! fuck stupid freshman and their stupid immature antics. 

so yeah, i know its been a month since ive written...but ive been recouperating from my rape, so deal....i dont find much to write anymore.  im busy being super angela.  seriously, come on people, if you all had as much to do as me you'd choke.  im not even sure where i get the ambition to keep going.  maybe its that my grandparents pay for my college, and i dont want to let them down. although, i do let them down...inadvertently.  they dont know it, but i do. 

so help me out with this one, i dont understand it.  if so many people think im pretty, why in the hell does no one ask me out?  no one cares to spend any time with me....no one wants to receive the love i can offer them...damnit, im so tired of waiting for something to come along.  i want the american wish, i want everything now.  right now, with no wait. because im busy with my own life, and i dont have time to wait around for you to realize that i'm the best prospect you have.  and maybe im not.  but iim a good one.  i have so much to offer.  so much caring to give....